This One Reason Might be Why You Keep Choosing an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

It’s about six months into the relationship, and red flags are starting to wave around. Your partner isn’t as interested in your life as you are in theirs; they aren’t clear about their commitment to you; and, they still haven’t introduced you to their friends or family – though you’ve done all of the above, and more. As the flags become unbearable, what makes matters worse is the possibility that you might have, once again, matched up with an emotionally unavailable partner.  


Take a deep breath. Things are about to change for you.

Though it can be a rooted habit or pattern, becoming involved with an emotionally unavailable partner doesn’t have to be your fate. Especially if you want a close, committed relationship.

In a recent Zura Health podcast, “How to Stop Choosing Unavailable Partners,” Kylie talks with life and love coach Amy Young about her personal experiences with this topic as well as what she’s seen in her professional coaching career. Over the years, she’s helped many women do the foundational work necessary to have successful relationships with others. While the conversation goes deeper into how to avoid this heartbreak, it also sheds light on why it might happen in the first place.

Why We Choose Emotionally Unavailable Partners

In her experience as a love coach, Amy has found that one of the common reasons we go for this type of person is because it is the “ultimate distraction from the self.”


That truth just might sting more than the red flags.

To avoid dealing with our own struggles and issues, some of us end up putting all of our mental and emotional strength into our partners and their lives. We focus on their struggles, accomplishments, hobbies, and friends, all while putting our own needs and wants on the backburner. As a result of this distraction, we end up shrinking for our partners. Unfortunately, when this type of relationship ends, we’re left feeling incomplete or lost again.

Sound familiar?

Whether this story resonates with you, or you’re drawn to emotionally unavailable partners for other reasons (yes, there are more than one reason), there comes a time when enough is enough and we’re ready to live our own lives. Ready to do the work necessary to find that close, committed relationship.

The Courage to Focus on Ourselves

It takes courage to focus on ourselves. Why? As Amy mentions, it might involve looking at and feeling our own pain. The pain we might have buried over and over again with each new relationship with an unavailable partner.

But the good news is there’s always healing when we’re ready to go through the pain.

As Sylvia Boorstein so beautifully says, “Sweetheart, you are in pain. Relax, take a breath. Let’s pay attention to what is happening; then we’ll figure out what to do.”

If you’re truly tired of feeling alone, unimportant, or even rejected while you’re in a relationship, you might have hit your rock bottom. With the right guidance, you can heal from your pain and learn how to stop looking to other people to make yourself happy.

Amy shares her own rock bottom as well as how she started cultivating what fills her up and makes her feel extra alive – just some of the ways she now helps others take responsibility for their own happiness.

Oh, did I mention that’s the solution?

Listen to the podcast to learn “How to Stop Choosing Unavailable Partners.

kylie McbeathComment